I started 2024 with growth on the mind. Grow, business becomes more sustainable, my community is more secure. Easy, right?
With that mindset, ideas and opportunities started to arise. It was exciting, that feeling of being in flow with the universe, of things that would feed my businesses coming my way.
After a couple of explorations, I came into a firm and grounding knowing that my desire was to build my in-person business. More people in the door, lots of energy at Akasha, business is more sustainable, my community is more secure. Easy, right?
So I reached out to a friend of mine, who is the only person I know who used social media to build her in-person business. And, from what I knew, it was a successful endeavor. I very much admire her work and her presence. So we talked, and it was hopeful and helpful and energizing. From the recesses of my brain, a thought I had years ago when Jennifer* first started coaching emerged: I am going to go through a round of coaching with her someday.
That day had arrived.
A week and a half elapsed between that initial phone call and our first formal coaching session. And in that week, an avalanche of new potential students and teachers reached out. That sense of being in flow arose again. More opportunities to grow, make the businesses more sustainable, my community more secure. Easy, right?
I approached out first coaching call in that mindset. I’m going to increase my skills at keeping this pipeline flowing. I felt hopeful, positive, powerful, and definitely in flow. Jennifer had asked me to sign a contract with her stating that I agree to be coachable, and I was ready to be coached.
Until, at the opening of the call, Jennifer said, “let’s talk about how your codependency** shows up in your business.”
Holy yikes.
The next week or so is kind of a blur. I know that I was not just triggered, but absolutely inflamed. Nervous system on fire. Jennifer suggested that I get a copy of Melody Beattie’s Codependent No More and start listening to it in the car. I had read part of Beattie’s The New Codependency in the fall and wasn’t particularly gripped by it, but I agreed to be coachable, so I started listening to Codependent No More on my commutes to and from the studio.
And I heard the most spot-on description of the worst of myself in those initial chapters. Unbearable shame surged through my body. Mind shut down, nervous system on fire. I was triggered by a new thought or experience or concept every 5 minutes those first few days.
Welcome to my shadow work.
Though I’ve been interested in shadow work for some time, I realize now that I’d only danced around my own. Even during 6 months of eating disorder treatment with a Jungian Psychoanalyst, I had only scratched the surface. Because that’s the nature of shadow. Shadow is the parts of ourselves that are unbearable to look at—and our psychologies artfully hide it so that we don’t have to see them.
Having mine dragged into the light felt like having my skin set on fire. The physical discomfort I experienced in those first couple of days was barely tolerable. I had experienced a profound amount of similar discomfort since the onset of our blended family experiment a year and a half ago. This was like all of that discomfort happening at once.
I let Jennifer know what I was experiencing, and between her intervening with an additional coaching session and my own not insubstantial skills, things evened out and the subsequent weeks of our coaching have been extremely productive. Life changing, actually.
Because I didn’t need to learn how to open a pipeline, grow the business, get more sustainable, protect my community. I mean, I do—there’s much I can do to improve the business of my businesses and I’m grateful and excited for the path I’ve laid out to bring Evolition and Akasha into sustainability.
But what I really needed to do was something that I’ve known about small business owners for a long time, having had the privilege of observing several in great intimacy: I needed to correct my energy.
I’ve observed that part of the dharma of owning a business—especially a healing arts practice, but, really, any small business—is that this act of creation puts your energy body on display materially. In the same way that the physical body is a direct reflection of the psychology, our businesses reflect our energy.
Going through a period of low energy? Business will drop off in kind. Having trouble managing your boundaries? The resulting drama will unfold for all your associates to see. Working with major imposter syndrome due to your underdeveloped self-esteem? You’ll be so insecure that you’ll give your services and time away rather than upholding their value.
Engage in codependency after a lifetime of relationship trauma? You might hold the reigns of your business so tightly that you can’t let anyone new in.
The body and the business are the psychology. If I want Evolition and Akasha to be in the highest and best service to this community that I love so tremendously, it is self-correction that is needed. I knew this conceptually. Now I know viscerally what must be done.
You may have noticed, when visiting myevolition.com today, that I’ve made some substantial changes to my website and business model. If you’re in class with me currently, you know that some nuts-and-bolts structure changes are coming. A LOT of work went into that, but that was the easy part.
The body/psychology stuff is always juicier, and mine continues to unfold. After years of encouragement from my excellent and beloved therapists—and now Jennifer—I’ve joined Al Anon group and am working actively to address my codependency. Already in that work, I’ve encountered the parts of myself that really don’t want to grow up, and the tsunami of grief that they are futilely resisting.
So many different threads from the copious self-help work that I’ve invested in over these past 5 years are weaving together right now. And a new understanding of how to move in the world is emerging. To say that I am grateful is a massive understatement.
I greet this Spring with curiosity and a sense of vulnerability. I usually have an excellent sense of timing, of what’s coming and when and how. Not so much right now. What comes next feels new, and unwritten. It’s pretty uncomfortable, and I’m working to welcome it with open arms.
In gratitude to all who walk on this path with me,
Tiffany
*Jennifer Zenner Clark only works with a couple of coaching clients at a time to ensure that she gives them the best of herself. This work is for those who are truly ready. If you are interested, you can contact her at this email.
**Beattie takes two chapters of Codependent No More to arrive at a complete definition of codependency. I’ll try to summarize: Codependency is a way of being in the world and in relationship that abides by unwritten and oppressive rules that lead to a constellation of behaviors: caretaking, low self worth, repression of feelings, obsession about others, controlling, denial, dependency, poor communication skills, weak boundaries, lack of trust, and anger.